The tournament was 100% handicap which theoretically means everyone has an equal chance to win. In practice people who just started bowling have a bonus because their averages trail reality, and ace bowlers have an advantage because their good days are really, really good. I am middling so I signed up just for the hell of it.

The format was three games in the first round. The top 10 players from the first round then bowl two more. The top 5 players from the second round then bowl in a ladder. #5 bowls one game against #4, the winner bowls one game against #3, etc. All the ladder games are played on the same pair of lanes so the underdog gets a small boost because he has already played on the lanes and knows where the oil is (this sounds trite, but it does matter).

I made the first cut by a comfortable 30 pins. I made the second cut by a hairy 5 pins. So I went into the ladder ranked fifth (dead last). #4 was Ericka who had been beating ass (with handicap) until then. I rolled a 177 and she fell off and threw a 150. I won. Next I bowled #3 George (Dunn, thankfully not Jones). George is a better bowler than I am but he had a bad game and I had a good one. I beat him scratch 170 to 192.

Then came #2. I was tuned into the pair of lanes but I had also bowled seven games, so my arm was soft; if you think this is easy then please try to throw a 15lb ball at 15MPH a hundred times in a row and then get back to me. Thankfully the bar had just opened up so I was able to simulate league play.

It was a fucking strike fest for him and for me. We each had one split/open and a couple spares. Due to 100% handicap I started with 20 free pins. Going into the 10th frame I was 1 pin down. I struck out - which means the same thing in baseball and bowling - three strikes in a row. To beat me he had to strike out as well. Which he promptly did. I finished with a 235 and he finished with a 256 (235+20+1).

The #1 seed was a rollover and was beaten by #2 by 50 pins. The same guy that killed me with a 256 won easily with a 182. For fucks sake.

I'm happy with my #3 finish but it was so, so close to #1. I wanted the bragging rights but the cash smarts too: the difference between #3 and #1 was $60 versus $300. That's a lot of beer and pizza.

* I originally said "80% straight white males" but after doing a simple hand count revised the figure down to 2/3rds. The percentage might be even lower because I only included obviously black, asian, and female in the minority count, and only included people in the gay bowling league as gay (yes, there is a gay bowling league).